Fear Drives the Process

In the traditional gender roles, fear drives the process. The women worry that will end up on the street without a source of support. The men worry they will be turned into an ATM card while their spouse lives a life of luxury. I think everyone thinks the worst - fueled by television, movies, and a million friends that have gone through a divorce.

More often than not I feel hardened to their fear. I know the process is one of compromise and that life will ultimately go on. Situations pass and life continues. I am a positive person and I try to transfer that feeling to clients. Some of the most rewarding moments happen in mediation. In the beginning the fear hangs on everyones faces. After a successful mediation, everyone starts to crack a smile. They realize the worst didn't happen. Honestly, I wish I could enjoy their relief. But sometimes, all I feel is is fatigue from being so deeply immersed in someone's life.

Life is a Time Machine

A client came into my office today and said something about reading all of my blog posts. I must admit, I felt a bit invaded for a moment. You can see by the date of this post - I have not posted to or read through this blog for 3 years !!!

I remembered my writings in this blog and their personal nature. Somehow, over the past three years I have developed a hard shell - kind of like an M & M candy, but less sweet. I had stopped expressing myself in the same way as the person that wrote this blog, so long ago.

This evening I sat down to read the blog and realized the valuable thing I built. I had created the software version of a time machine. I now have the ability to look into the past and see the inner mind of the stranger that used to be me.

There is a value to all of this. I now plan to return here at intervals and post my thoughts.

If my job were that simple

Week after week goes by. I win some hearings, lose some, and there are a certain number where no one knows who won. I try to not allow the hearings to affect me. But if happens anyway. Sometimes I feel great and sometimes I feel there is a large knife slowly twisting in my stomach. There are some weeks where the stress of the week sends me home on Friday with a feeling that I am hollow inside, devoid of the capability of having human feelings. Sometimes that bothers me because that is the way many people see attorneys - and it is not a complement they are paying us. Recently, someone commented attorneys are like "used car salesmen." But that probably is not true because used car salesmen have more simplicity in their lives. If my job were only that simple.

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Some of us become psychotic

I recently had a short stint on a unique case. The opposing party was one of the more prominent attorneys in Florida. On the surface she was as smooth as silk. Her presentations in court - excellent. Just below the surface - she was a mess. There was an honest admission she was on a variety of meds for anxiety and depression. She could not speak to me without shaking. In a private discussion, I began to wonder if I would find a knife blade in my chest.

I have to wonder if this is a profession where we sacrifice ourselves and our sanity to give clients a second chance at life. I am very careful about myself. I have seen too much and do not want to become one of the people I pity.

A week spent in a variety of courts

This week I had a bunch of hearings, all in different courts, with different judges. One of the tricks of practicing law is to learn the preferences of the judges you see. Because the same set of facts, and the same situation, might receive 6 different rulings, depending on the judge that makes the decision. There is no black and white in the law. And sometimes in marital law, all bets are off.


An overview of how a judge chooses the parent to have custody of the children



Child custody statute - Florida


Child support statute 61.13

Independence day

Most people do not realize: we were founded as a country with laws. Many of the founding fathers were lawyers. Since then, lawyers have been an integral part of our development as a nation. We work every day fighting for our client's rights and dignity. Everything we do as lawyers, whether it is criminal, contract, divorce, or personal injury, relates back to the set of rights guaranteed all of us in our Constitution.

It is easy to forget the Constitution while working as a divorce attorney. Day after day I am waist deep in my client's lives and personal problems. But everything I do is based on a Constitutional principle: My clients have a right to freedom, privacy, property, and the right to raise their families in peace. There is a reason for what I do and it is worth every sacrifice I have made.

I hope everyone enjoys their 4th of July !

The children must play

True or False: All attorneys are top notch professionals, above the petty games of small minded individuals.

If you answered true, read on.

Today, we had a high conflict situation with another attorney office. Right in the middle of negotiations they stopped answering their phone. Ok, this is the middle of Friday and some offices close. But low and behold, their fax machine decided to close early. All of a sudden, their fax stopped picking up - almost like it was unplugged. Unplugged? That would be unprofessional !?

Where is the glamour?

Many people think lawyers represent power, glamour, and wealth. The reality can be drastically different. Most lawyers experience overwhelming stress. We deal with destroyed lives day in and day out. In the less serious case, people can lose their homes or children. The outcome of our client's situation rides on our skill and preparation. And statistically, 50% of the cases are lost. That presents a tremendous amount of stress on us that are constantly worried about your clients. We are the hardest working people that I know - with not much in the way of rewards.

A whirlwind of activity this weekend

I have a hard fast rule: do not work on the weekends. I did just that in my past life and it was never worth it. But this weekend will need to be an exception. next week I have several very important hearings. All of them require complex visual aids to be put together. I like to think of hearings being like a game of show and tell. But I believe the emphasis always needs to be on "show." That is why I always have lots of documents, pictures, and color timelines to show the judge.

I'm back!

Sorry about that. But even a dedicated blogger has to take breaks. Lots of interesting hearings, clients, and experiences over the last month. Stay tuned and I will share. :-)

It's great when a case comes to an end

I always enjoy seeing a case come to an end. For some, it happens at the end of a mediation. For others, the couple reconciles. And for the unlucky few, the case ends after a final trial. I always feel a sense of closure. This is my measure of progress - seeing people move forward with their lives.

See you at the BBQ !

Some new clients tell me about their previous experience with attorneys. They felt their attorney was a bit too chummy with the other attorney. Seeing people act friendly to each other during the worst crisis in your life drums up a picture: the two attorneys having a BBQ, laughing, and making secret deals to "screw" you and line their pockets with money.

I am frequently conflicted over this - I want to be courteous and friendly to everyone. At the same time I want to be a loyal, aggressive representative for my client. I believe in the old saying: you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Being mean to the other side makes them dig in and fight harder. Ultimately, that is bad for me and bad for my client.

Sometimes judges hate certain cases

There are some cases that make judges sick. Thoses are the cases that neither party is willing to give an inch. The whole thing is locked in an endless battle. The kids are frequently caught in the middle. And attorneys are stuck between wanting out - and not willing to abandon their client.

Caught you!

An opposing counsel on one of my cases brought her client to the final hearing. That is where the judge approves the mediated settlement agreement and enters final judgment. It is customary for one side to appear and the other side to not appear. There is an unspoken rule - that the attorney who appears does not attempt to change the agreed upon judgment.

Well it finally happened. Another attorney tried to pull a fast one. She tried to change the deal we had. Thank god the judge sensed something fishy and refused to enter judgment. You ever hear the phrase "I have seen it all!" ? Well just when I thought I have seen it all - something like this happens.

Gee, why is it that some people don't like lawyers? ;-)


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Tampa Florida Divorce Attorney

Beginning step - an overview of the divorce process

A description of the documents to gather for your case

The divorce petition

How the petition is served on your spouse

Financial disclosure

The discovery process - depositions, interrogatories, and requests to produce

Negotiation - working toward a negotiated settlement agreement

The mediation process - working with a court appointed mediator

The Final Hearing - if mediation is successful

Case management conference and pretrial conference

Motions - motion for contempt, motion for temporary support, motion to compel

Evidence in a courtroom - problems and opportunities

Final Trial - if all issues are still contested

General Florida divorce statute 61.052

Child Custody Factors

An overview of how a judge chooses the parent to have custody of the children

The child's home situation, school situation, and involvement with the community

Each parent's mental, physical, and moral state

How permanent the proposed home is - of the custodial parent

Continuity of the situation - if the child's life will stay stable

The Ability to provide for the child - food, shelter, clothing, etc

The love, affection, and ties with the child - from each parent

Past episodes of domestic violence and how they affect custody

The parent who allows contact or interferes with visitation

Child custody statute - Florida

Child support statute 61.13

Relocation with children statute

Rotating child custody - a description

Property Distribution - Equitable Distribution

Typical items in the home that are subject to equitable distribution

What happens when only one name is on the title

Typical men's items in a divorce and who gets them

Typical women's items in a divorce and who gets them

How cash, stocks, cds, bonds, etc are divided

The family pet - who gets the pet

Who gets the house in a divorce

Appliances and other items in the home

Cars / Automobiles

Is the property marital or non marital

Property distribution statute 61.075

Alimony - How it is decided

The different factors a court considers when deciding on alimony

Overview of alimony - permanent periodic alimony - lump sum alimony - rehabilitative alimony

How the length of the marriage affects alimony

The employment prospects of both spouses

The age of either spouse

The standard of living established during the marriage

Each person's contribution to the marriage

The assets each person has available to sustain their lifestyle

The current income of either spouse

How fairness and justice help decide alimony

Florida alimony statute 61.08

New Florida Alimony law

Child Support - Calculation and Issues

Child support overview and main menu

The state of Florida - general policy on child support

How child support is calculated

Child Support enforcement in Florida and the long arm of the law

Florida child support statute 61.13

Misc Family Law Subjects

Domestic Violence Injunctions

Getting the other party to pay attorney fees

Social Security and divorce

How to bring documents and photos to Court

Mediation in a divorce

Legal Separation in Florida

Self help resources

How to behave in Court

Court locations in Hillsborough, Pinellas, Pasco, and Hernando

A selection of Florida divorce forms

Special Reports for Divorce Issues in Florida

A checklist for people that have been served with divorce papers - summons

Domestic violence injunctions

Divorce and family owned businesses - an overview

7 ways to make your divorce smoother

7 common divorce myths

About The Divorce Center

Divorce attorney Howard Iken - a letter to our clients

Stress studies and divorce

10 steps to reduce stress

Divorce distractions for Pinellas County Florida

Divorce and the sale of the marital home

The future of legal services - divorce services

6 ways to reduce the paid of divorce

News report - forget divorce court

News report - new website for divorce education

In divorce - women no longer have all the power

 

Topics for Business Owners and Their Spouses in a Florida Divorce

Divorce and Business ownership - an overview

Family businesses and the divorce process

Divorce and IRS Taxes

What if your spouse cheated the IRS - what happens in a divorce

Business Valuation Strategy for the Business Owner in a Divorce

Strategy for the Spouse of a Business Owner in a Divorce

Business valuation - how it is done and an overview

Mutual Assured Destruction (MAD)

Back in the sixties, seventies, and eighties, the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. had a policy with their nuclear weapons -- they called this policy MAD. The basic theory was if either country launched a nuclear war the other country would respond with equal force. Each side had enough weapons to ensure everyone's destruction. So both sides had a strong incentive not to declare war.

Some people ask me what happens when a divorce attorney divorces. The short answer: we normally don't. My wife and I have decided on our own version of MAD. The moment we feel a divorce is needed, we will simultaneously kill each other. This is good. Now, we have a strong incentive never to divorce :-)